The Omnibus

Issue date: 4/15/04 Section: Humor

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I think I have finally discovered the reason people get addicted to video or computer games. Anything we believe we can excel at can be attempted, not only for the sake of adding another line to our "what I can actually do right" list, but also for the adrenaline rush of beating one's score-or even better, someone else's. This is enough to keep us all clutching at the mouse or game controller like some technological zombie.

While this sounds ridiculous to anyone without a media addiction the rest of us can relate. Why else does it always feel so important to finish that game of electronic solitaire? Why am I drawn to only games boasting quick loading and pretty colors?

Those with actual social lives may think these games are rather lame, but perhaps these wastes of time are actually preparing us for the real world! It could be nothing more than making the avatar jump on 16-bit walking mushrooms or figuring out how to commandeer a near three-dimensional fighter plane, but every experience is worth our while. It may be possible these skills will be needed some day; then we will rise to the challenge destiny has prepared for us!

What could these games possibly prepare us for? There are, I am sure, many applications. What if you are busy making money with your fish tank when aliens suddenly attack your fish and steal your money? What if you are trying to build an ark and the animals will only cooperate if you can show your dominance by your grouping skills? What if a little worm comes and threatens to eat your library if you cannot prove your literacy? Just in case the need should ever arise, there is a Yahoo! computer game for every situation imaginable.

Console games-games that require an expensive gaming system hooked up to the television and a constant supply of caffeinated liquids-also add to the unique experiences electronic games provide. What if the world is suddenly overrun by colorful little monsters? What if the fate of the nation would be decided by an extreme go-cart race in a fantasy setting? The government certainly will not be prepared for such an attack; it would be up to expert console gamers to save us from a fate worse than tofu.

There have been blockbuster movies showing how random and seemingly useless skills-that only the computer / gamer geek, dweeb or nerd-type of person possesses-are somehow the only thing standing between Tokyo and oblivion. This must be true because they bothered to make a movie about it! If an action movie makes as much money as previous historically-based films, the action movie must be just as accurate. So while I may seem to be merely wasting my time and weakening my eyes while perfecting my skill of aiming colored objects at more colored objects to make them disappear I am really waiting for my turn to save whatever random metropolis needs rescuing.

Sarah Mann is the humor columnist for the Omnibus and can be reached at FraggleSarah@hotmail.com. She hopes not to offend any geeks, dweebs or nerds because she considers herself to be one in spirit, if not in brain power. She cautions these technological paradigms must be approached with an offering consisting of goldfish crackers and Mountain Dew. She is open to donations.

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