The Omnibus

Issue date: 5/13/04 Section: Humor

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Raise your hand if you like finals. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Exactly. Nobody likes finals. Teachers hate them; students hate them, but like political commercials, they keep coming back. All I can do is make fun of our suffering and pray it ends quickly. For those of you whose finals last semester were so traumatic they were erased from your memory, here are some suggestions on how to survive this semester.

The first thing a studying student needs is to figure out how to stay awake. Getting enough sleep ceased to be an option long ago, so we naturally turn first to caffeine. I heard caffeine keeps us awake by irritating the lining of our brain, but the drug is still legal because all of Congress is addicted to it, along with most of America. I personally try to avoid caffeine unless I really need it, so my body has no resistance to it. For the espressoholic, however, more creative methods may be necessary. Go outside and blow bubbles every 15 minutes or play blindfolded leap frog in the Goodson Student Union. Maybe you could have a friend attack you randomly from around a corner with a water gun and a rubber snake. That would keep me awake.

Now that some form of consciousness is partially achieved, it is time to actually pretend to study. Decide if you want music in the background, and then realize you have no choice if you live in a dorm. Decide whether you want a clean workspace, and then realize if you cleaned your room you would have a plausible excuse not to study for another seven hours. Decide whether you want to study alone or goof off as a group. When all these decisions are made, you might accidentally get some studying done! Remember to make flash cards because you are bound to forget whatever you studied the previous night.

Your next responsibility is the study break. These can be hazardous because if you have enough energy when you take the break, you might actually continue studying afterwards. Perfect study breaks include some form of junk food, one or more friends and a game of "Calvin-ball" outside that ends in grass stains, bruises and somebody having to use the restroom really badly. The study break, contrary to popular belief, is not when there is a break between study periods, but when there is the realization that further study is impossible because you have read the same sentence in the same paragraph for over an hour and you have lost the feeling in half of your bottom. Study breaks are actually opportunities to rationalize going to sleep this week because you forgot the color of the inside of your eyelids.

Finally, you have to get to class on time and on the right day, which is more difficult than it sounds when your brain is guacamole. There is an unwritten - except for now - rule that prohibits anybody showing up at the final looking bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Statutes maintain that the student shall show up in at least one piece of clothing worn the night before with hair less than perfect; so much the better if they drool a little. When the last final is over, there shall be much rejoicing in the form of feasting at home or re-excavating the bed.

Sarah Mann is the humor columnist for the Omnibus and can be reached at FraggleSarah@hotmail.com. She wishes everyone a happy summer and a summer job where black cloaks are not considered employee uniforms. She hopes everyone knows that Calvin and Hobbes is the most awesome comic in the entire world.

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