The Omnibus

Issue date: 10/7/04 Section: Humor

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I cringe whenever someone asks, "If you could describe life in one word, what would it be?" The answer is always something trite like, "Life is change because each day is new," or "life is a journey because we end up in new places." Well, sure, if you want to put life on a zip file, I suppose it could be summed up in one word. Maybe your life is a journey, but mine is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and frankly, I have no idea why. If I were to pick a few words to describe life -- without saying life can be contained in these words, and perhaps elaborate on them in three rambling paragraphs, with long run-on sentences -- those words would be "weird, weird and weird," and I have a few theories why.

One guess as to why life is weird is that the pixies are out to get us. It sounds random, but really it makes perfect sense. Why did the chair in the cafeteria wait until the middle of my yogurt before the back broke off? Why was the construction delayed in the Meyer Wellness and Sports Center? Why is there a mummy under my bed? Who else but the pixies could have done these things? God can control the universe as much as he wants, but I think he mostly lets the pixies do what they want. I might add that cats are very good pixie detectors. If you have a cat, and he or she suddenly goes completely spastic and chases an invisible something in the air, there is a definite chance that your kitty is not, in fact, completely bonkers, but has found a pixie. Unfortunately there is about a 50-50 chance for kitty insanity, so it is tough to know for sure.

If your house is relatively pixie-free, yet your life still exhibits signs of weirdness, perhaps the explanation lies in outer space. For years, conspiracy theorists have insisted that the government is hiding proof of life on other planets, but now there is undeniable proof right under our noses: bunny rabbits. They communicate in the form of sub-sonic nose wiggles and leave beacons in the form of pellets for their cloaked ships to find. Thankfully, although curious, these extra-terrestrials are rather harmless. Apparently they arrived when all the humans were inside their homes playing a primitive form of Jenga; and this caused them to target Taraxacum officinale (dandelions) as the biggest threat to their populating the planet. Why does that make life weird? Well apparently the sub-sonic nose wiggles distort our perception of reality. For instance: I know I did not stain my sister's favorite blue shirt with marinara sauce, but the bunnies have made her unfairly accuse me!

If your life is so weird that you are sure pixies and rabbits cannot explain it, I have one more suggestion: jumping jacks. It is difficult to explain without a visual aid, so I need you to put down the paper and do three sets of 209 jumping jacks. As soon as you do the last jumping jack, bend over and look at the ceiling from between your knees. I promise you, if you follow my directions exactly, the answer will come.

Sarah Mann is the humor columnist for the Omnibus and can be reached at FraggleSarah@hotmail.com for questions, comments or a recipe for really yummy instant ramen noodles. If you hate her column, you should send her money. Yup...money would be terrible.

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