2008 Woodie Awards
On the road again... On the road again... On the road again... On the road again...
Sarah Mann
Issue date: 11/11/04 Section: Humor
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I love this time of year for many reasons: the holiday music is only starting to get annoying, the leaves make wonderful crunching sounds when I step on them and the official holiday of overeating, also known as Thanksgiving, is fast approaching. A long break plus a burnt-out college student equals a mass exodus from anything resembling school. A car full of punchy college students going in one direction for 14 hours plus luggage, stupid games and strange gas stations equal a road trip. Since many of you are freshmen or have not taken a road trip, I thought I had better share my wisdom or share the experiences from the lack thereof. If you have been on such a ride, I thought I had better share my condolences.
One adage I have heard ad nauseum is, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail." That being the case, I suggest planning to fail ahead of time so you can get started as soon as you leave. I would start with the contents of the car. It is common knowledge that a road trip is not successful unless you fill the car with as many people as comfort dictates and then add at least one more. If you can move your elbows, you are wasting space. You should bring your own snacks so you can eat everybody else's food and remember to bring your own personal roll of "tissues" so that any tree can become a restroom in case of emergency. Each person should also have their luggage for the trunk, such as sleeping bags, body bags, life-size inflatable gorillas or even milk served in little plastic baggies--like the Landen "Eh?" boys had on their weekend trip to Canada.
Now that the car exceeds the weight limit on smaller bridges, you are finally ready to leave -- as soon as everybody uses the restroom one more time. Many people make the mistake of trying to have fun in the car right away, but a better idea is to sit and wait for your rear end to become car seat-shaped.
Travel games are not for the first hour or so when everybody is fresh and excited and talking; they are for the fourth to the 16th hours when your little caravan has gotten silly enough that anything with a primary color scheme is entertaining. These games are even more fun when they have been played so much that you start to make up your own rules, usually involving playing a prank on the person next to you that has been talking in their sleep for the last 30 miles.
By the time you have more bugs on your windshield than the Windows Operating System, you know the time has come for a quick stop. This is often one of the most interesting parts of the journey if you are like me and travel through the middle, beginning and end of "Nowhere" to get to your destination.
I am not sure why, but the farther out the gas station or truck stop is, the stranger it gets. Once I went into a gas station with a jar of pickled pigs' knuckles next to the Slurpee machine, which might sound normal to some people, but I was under the impression pigs and pickles do not mix.
Another station was built into the side of a hill and had grass growing into the ladies' room. Some are really fancy and have several styles of state shot glasses. Make sure and smile at whoever is at the counter, however, because they have to watch us gawk at pickled pigs' knuckles and cannot partake themselves.
Having been on several road trips myself, I know the best part of the trip is an hour after it is finished. Go inside, use a clean restroom and only unpack when your legs have been properly stretched out from their pretzel shape of the last few hours. Of course, upon reaching your destination, there is one ritual all should observe, whether the trip was 40 miles or 400: wash your hands, because you never know where you have been.
Sarah Mann is the humor columnist for the Omnibus and can be reached at FraggleSarah@hotmail.com. She reminds everybody that seatbelts have saved more than her own life, and if she hears about anybody not wearing theirs, she will personally stuff the unused belt into their nasal cavity while they think about what they have done.
One adage I have heard ad nauseum is, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail." That being the case, I suggest planning to fail ahead of time so you can get started as soon as you leave. I would start with the contents of the car. It is common knowledge that a road trip is not successful unless you fill the car with as many people as comfort dictates and then add at least one more. If you can move your elbows, you are wasting space. You should bring your own snacks so you can eat everybody else's food and remember to bring your own personal roll of "tissues" so that any tree can become a restroom in case of emergency. Each person should also have their luggage for the trunk, such as sleeping bags, body bags, life-size inflatable gorillas or even milk served in little plastic baggies--like the Landen "Eh?" boys had on their weekend trip to Canada.
Now that the car exceeds the weight limit on smaller bridges, you are finally ready to leave -- as soon as everybody uses the restroom one more time. Many people make the mistake of trying to have fun in the car right away, but a better idea is to sit and wait for your rear end to become car seat-shaped.
Travel games are not for the first hour or so when everybody is fresh and excited and talking; they are for the fourth to the 16th hours when your little caravan has gotten silly enough that anything with a primary color scheme is entertaining. These games are even more fun when they have been played so much that you start to make up your own rules, usually involving playing a prank on the person next to you that has been talking in their sleep for the last 30 miles.
By the time you have more bugs on your windshield than the Windows Operating System, you know the time has come for a quick stop. This is often one of the most interesting parts of the journey if you are like me and travel through the middle, beginning and end of "Nowhere" to get to your destination.
I am not sure why, but the farther out the gas station or truck stop is, the stranger it gets. Once I went into a gas station with a jar of pickled pigs' knuckles next to the Slurpee machine, which might sound normal to some people, but I was under the impression pigs and pickles do not mix.
Another station was built into the side of a hill and had grass growing into the ladies' room. Some are really fancy and have several styles of state shot glasses. Make sure and smile at whoever is at the counter, however, because they have to watch us gawk at pickled pigs' knuckles and cannot partake themselves.
Having been on several road trips myself, I know the best part of the trip is an hour after it is finished. Go inside, use a clean restroom and only unpack when your legs have been properly stretched out from their pretzel shape of the last few hours. Of course, upon reaching your destination, there is one ritual all should observe, whether the trip was 40 miles or 400: wash your hands, because you never know where you have been.
Sarah Mann is the humor columnist for the Omnibus and can be reached at FraggleSarah@hotmail.com. She reminds everybody that seatbelts have saved more than her own life, and if she hears about anybody not wearing theirs, she will personally stuff the unused belt into their nasal cavity while they think about what they have done.
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